Built On Secrets
by xfirefly9x
Summary: Mal/Inara ficlets.
1. Built On Secrets

**_Built On Secrets_**

Her life is built on secrets.

She knows it.

He knows it.

They can never have a truly open relationship in which there are no lies. They can only have a life of half truths.

Always will there be something that she cannot tell him or something she will not want to tell him.

There will always be something that he too will keep from revealing to her. She has never been able to read him clearly as she can do for others. But she'll know. They'll both know.

They, for eternity, will be separated by their personal lives and thoughts and the secrets they bring.

Then again, what couple didn't have that problem?

_fin._


	2. Last Kiss

**_Last Kiss_**

Red. All she could see was red. It stained his shirt and oozed from the wound in his side. His face was a ghostly white in stark contrast and he grimaced as a stab of pain shot through him.

It was her worst nightmare.

She had known it was only a matter of time before it happened. She had known it would come true eventually. Knowing hadn't made it any easier.

She reached out a hand and gingerly placed it on his shoulder to provide much needed comfort, for both of them. He groaned and with much effort grasped for her hands. Taking them in his, he looked into her eyes, an expression of finality on his face.

He was going to die. He knew it. She knew it.

Silent tears fell and she leaned in for one last kiss…

_fin._


	3. Stay

**_Stay_**

_"And I just can't let you go_

_I can't lose this feeling"_

_'Pop! Goes My Heart' by Hugh Grant (Music & Lyrics)._

"Don't go. Don't leave again."

There. He's said it. He's told her how he feels.

He well and truly has her under his skin. Inexplicitly.

Mal swallows and continues to stare into the depth of her brown eyes, hands wringing nervously in front of him.

Inara opens her mouth to reply and then closes it. She watches him. Her face flushes slightly.

"Well? Are you going to say something? Will you stay?"

She says nothing.

"Please stay?" he tries.

Her lips twitch up into a small smile and he has the sudden urge to push her into a wall and kiss her hard.

Inara reaches for his hand. She squeezes it gently. Her smile widens.

Mal studies her, concerned about her answer - or rather, lack thereof.

"Of course I'll stay," she finally says. "Since you asked so nicely." There's a teasing undertone to her voice.

"Yeah?" he asks, beaming.

"Yeah."

He sighs in relief and grips her hand a little harder. "Good answer. You had me worried for awhile there."

_fin._


	4. Racing, Pounding, Stopping

**_Racing, Pounding, Stopping_**

_"Well I'm not paralyzed_

_But I seem to be struck by you_

_I want to make you move_

_Because you're standing still"_

_Paralyzer by Finger Eleven._

He's hypnotized. Can't tear his eyes from her. Doesn't want to.

His heart is racing, pounding, stopping.

She's looking at him.

He swallows and wipes his sweaty hands on his pants. He forces himself to breathe. One. Two. Three. Four. In, out. In, out.

He stands, pretends he's not having the hardest time possible just moving. He walks over to her. Manages a smile, small and yet so very hopeful. Hopeful and shy.

He extends his hand. "May I have this dance?"

He half expects rejection.

She doesn't give him such an easy out. "Of course," she smiles, taking his hand n hers. "I'd love that."

He walks her out to the dance floor feeling as if he's floating on air.

The funny thing is, her expression suggests that she is too.

_fin._


	5. Torn To Shreds

**_Torn To Shreds_**

When she walks into the mess, the crew are sitting around the table eyeing up the cake that sits in the centre of it. That it is untouched surprises her. She hadn't expected there to be any left when she got to it.

She smiles softly and sits at the head of the table, opposite Mal.

Mal nods at the cake. "What's the occasion?" he asks, a smile toying at his lips.

Her hopes of a relaxed meal are torn to shreds. "No occasion," she says simply, hoping he'll not dig into it too much. "It was a gift."

Flinching at the word 'gift', Mal's cheerful expression fades into a scowl. "From a client, I suppose?"

Kaylee stops mid-sentence to watch them. Simon and Jayne, Zoe, Wash and Book do the same. River puts her head in her hands.

She swallows, forces a smile. "Yes, Mal. It was a gift from a client." She searches the faces of the rest of the crew. "Go ahead. Have some."

There's a mad dash for the cake - undoubtedly to avoid being caught up in the whirlwind that is Mal and Inara - and soon there is silence as all but Mal and she eat.

Mal pushes back his chair and watches them bitterly. He crosses his arms over his chest.

"Mal? Would you like some?"

He turns and storms out without so much as a grunt and her heart plummets through the floor.

Jayne offers a dopey grin. "Great one, Inara. More for us!"

She suddenly doesn't feel hungry anymore.

_fin._


	6. Shed The Past

**_Shed The Past_**

_"No, I can't let go_

_No, I can't let go of you_

_You're holding me back_

_Without even trying to_

_I can't let go_

_I can't move on from the past_

_Without lifting a finger_

_You're holding me back"_

_- "Can't Let Go" by Landon Pigg_

Her throat is tight. Unshed tears burn her eyes. She is angry – at herself and at her current circumstances and at Mal.

She is leaving Serenity. For the second time.

What makes her so terribly miserable about it is that it's the same reason why she left the first time. Nothing has changed.

It makes her heart ache to think about what she'll be missing out on once she's gone. (She'll never truly be gone. A part of her will always stay with Serenity.) She knows now exactly how hard leaving behind her life on Serenity can be.

When she's gone, she won't have the crew, her extended family, around to talk to and to eat meals with and to comfort. When she's gone, she'll have no one to barge in on her while she's in her 'private' quarters…

Her eyes prick and then blur and a single tear rolls down her cheek, followed by another and another.

She can't let go. She can't move on from the past.

Without lifting a finger, the crew of Serenity is holding her back. Mal, whom had never been her lover in the strictest sense of the word and yet meant so much more to her, is holding her back.

She looks into herself and puts her Companion training to work. No. She'll be fine. She'll find it in her to move on. She had before, hadn't she? Barely, but yes. She can do it again.

She can shed the past. She can.

_fin._


	7. Hate That I Love You

**_Hate That I Love You_**

_"The one I love_

_Is striking me down on my knees_

_The one I love_

_Drowning me in my dreams_

_The one I love_

_Over and over again_

_Dragging me under"_

_"The One I Love" by The Rasmus'_

* * *

_I hate you._

She wants to say it. She wants to scream it at him and pummel him in the chest with her fists. She holds back.

_I hate it when you call me a whore._

That one, she has said. On many an occasion. She has never told him though that the reason why she hates it so much is that he is the one speaking the words and his opinion of her means more to her than even she probably knows. He has a way with words that can pierce her heart and kill her spirit without him having to break a sweat and she can't explain it. With every insult, he pulls her further down, further below the surface. She's scared she will drown.

_I hate fighting all the time._

She's almost yelled it at him in the middle of one of their arguments. It was on the tip of her tongue and she was opening her mouth to say it when he stormed out. She hates when he storms out.

_I hate it when you get the last word in._

She's never said it aloud, but it has often been in the glare she's sent him after he retreats from her shuttle. She's seen it in his scowls too, when she's gotten the last word in.

_I hate our relationship._

She's never said that one to him. She can barely admit it to herself. She doesn't want to fight all the time. She doesn't want to be in constant worry over how soon their next argument will be and how soon it will be before one of them finally breaks. She doesn't want to wonder if she'll ever have to leave Serenity again for fear of the implications of their relationship or lack thereof. She wants more. She wants to have more with him. She wants it to be simple.

_I hate that I love you._

She'll likely never tell him that one. It would be too forward and would cause too many complications and she hates complications. The funny thing is, it's the one thing she wants to say to him the most.

_fin._


	8. Blackened Hearts

**_Blackened Hearts_**

"Give me one good reason and I'll be out of your life," he says. "One thing and I'll go. No more droppin' by to see how you're doing or the like. I'll let you have the peace you been saying you so terribly desire."

She stares at him, refuses to answer. Her eyes are pained.

He stares back.

"You see," he goes on. "After you said the last time that you left 'cause I didn't ask you not to, it got me thinking. I don't want you to leave again. Shoulda said it 'fore you picked up an' left this time probably, but that's how it is."

"Mal, I left again to move on. Miranda was an eye opener for me. For all of us. And Serenity was a constant reminder of it all. I had to – "

"You didn't. Not nobody else felt the need to run off planet side to forget."

"I might as well have stayed on Serenity. You've been by enough times to 'check' on me." Disdain.

"You're part o' my crew. More 'n that. 'Course I'm gonna check on you every once in awhile."

"Once in awhile? Mal, it's been once a week, sometimes twice that you've been here. It's bordering on stalking at this point."

"So tell me to stop. Tell me you don't want to see me again. I'll leave you be, right as the turn of the worlds."

She swallows. Breaks eye contact to study the floor. "I can't tell you that."

He looks at her knowingly. "Then I'll see you next time and the time after that til you're ready to come back with us, join the crew again." He abruptly turns and leaves.

She watches his retreating back with tears in her eyes.

_fin._


	9. Home

**_Home_**

_"You make me feel out of my element_

_Like I'm walking on broken glass_

_Like my world's spinning in slow motion_

_And I'm moving too fast"_

_"Chemicals React" by Aly & AJ_

When it comes to Mal, she can't tell which way is up and which way is down. He is so very different to any other man she's ever known and is so very hard to read. The moment she believes she has figured him out, something else is revealed to shred that theory into tiny fragments of glass. She is always left a step or two behind where she had been before the turnaround in his antics.

When it comes to Mal, she never quite knows what to expect. She has learnt that with him it is best not to make any predictions. Rarely does he take the simpler road - he seems rather fond of trudging through the woods instead - and yet when you least expect it, he will follow the easy path.

When it comes to Mal, her thoughts are a mess of confusion, tangled and knotted and tied so securely in her mind that she has no choice but to listen to them. Her heart yearns for him. A part of her hates him. A part of her loves him. It makes her head spin. It makes her dizzy. It makes her hate him more and love him more. It makes her wish for a different kind of torture - any kind will do.

When it comes to Mal, she knows that while she'll probably never figure him out and she'll probably always find some error in his ways, she'll also never leave him. No amount of planets between them will keep her away for too long, because Mal has become her home just as Serenity is his.

_fin._


	10. Alone Again

**_Alone Again_**

_"I find myself_

_Alone again_

_Don't want to find myself_

_Alone again"_

_"Hold On" by Acceptance_

He stands by the bare bed in her shuttle and stares at the dull grey of the wall, where delicate silks of brilliant red and orange and pink used to hang. Without moving his eyes from the blank slate, he can see that the rests of the shuttle is also void of anything that makes it look like a home. It's as it was before Inara arrived. Empty.

He's still getting used to that fact. It hasn't quite sunk in, he figures, that Inara is really gone. She is gone and more likely than not will not return.

He doesn't know exactly how he feels about it, but however it is, it's not good. He's numb. He can't feel anything.

The last thing he'd have expected to want to think about is finding a new tennant to move in, but it's his first priority thought-wise. It gives him something to focus on that isn't Inara, that isn't the lack of her presence, as frustrating as it often had been. It gives him a distraction, although he knows he won't follow through. He won't find someone to replace Inara. He can't replace her.

Inara had left and he misses her. It's as simple as that.

He lets his head hang and closes his eyes.

_fin._


	11. Drowned In Remorse

**_Drowned In Remorse_**

_"Feel the emptiness in my heart_

_Life's taken me back to the start_

_There's no power, no glory_

_I'm just missing you"_

_"My One Mistake" by Rex Goudie_

He's surfing the cortex in search of possibilities for more work when he sees it. It's an article, the same as any other article, but its topic makes his heart tremble. Companions. It's all about Companions.

On closer inspection, it identifies the differences between Companions and whores. Companions are registered with the Guild; whores are not. Companions are highly regarded in society, whereas whores are looked down upon. He can't see much difference in what they actually do, pleasuring men-folk and the occasional woman, but a wave of remorse drowns him anyway.

He is flooded with guilt.

For so long, he had called Inara a whore. To her face. Of course he respected her. He just didn't like the idea of her in bed with who knew how many other men. He didn't like the idea of sharing her body like that.

He couldn't help but consider that his aversion to her job may be nothing but personal to her. Maybe instead of telling her he disapproved of her work and wished she had another job, any job, he was pushing her further and further away.

He quickly typed a message to her before anything could change his mind. He clicked send. Sitting back in his seat, he stared at the screen, at the letters there, so very confronting and yet so very vague. Hopefully she'd understand.

"I'm sorry."

_fin._


	12. In The Way

**_In The Way_**

_"Why, are you acting like you're someone else?_

_Why, can't you stop thinking about yourself?_

_Why by Reset_

"Mal!" she scolds. "Why can't you just let things lie? Why can't you leave the past in the past, where it belongs?" She crosses her arms over her chest. "Be 'Mal' for once. Just Mal."

"You're tellin' me that? How's about you?" Mal spits back with as much if not more force. "You're always hiding behind those feminine wiles of yours, your Companion training! If anyone here's not being themselves it's you."

"That's not what I'm saying, Mal! You let your past get in the way of who you are now and what you do now. You welcome it. Have you ever tried to let it go? Have you ever tried to move on?"

"My past is mine and mine alone. It's not there to be dug back into by anyone who has an itch! And you! You! You should take your own damn advice! Least then one of us might - "

Her lips crash into his before he can utter another word. She is out of breath when she pulls away.

"What was that?!" Mal protests, throwing up his hands.

She sighs loudly in exasperation and closes the space between them again. "A kiss," she murmurs scornfully against his lips.

He pushes her away. "Yeah, I got that, but - "

"Mal!" She glares at him. "Shut the hell up and kiss me!"

He blinks at her several times, pushes her back against the wall and obeys.

_fin._


	13. Shattered Heart

**_Shattered Heart_**

He can't breathe. He can't remember how to. He is certain that his heart has stopped beating in his chest. He is unnaturally numb and cold and afraid and not himself. He's not like this.

Malcolm Reynolds, afraid. Those never did fit together well in the same sentence – unless of course it was Mal doing the scaring. He can't remember the last time he was afraid, his own self. He really isn't like this.

He stumbles forwards, not caring if he too gains a bullet through the chest, and falls to his knees beside the limp form of Inara. He takes in the blood, dark and red, as it escapes the bullet sized would she now wears.

He takes in the pained expression on her face. The initial shock has faded into all out agony. He winces and presses down on Inara's wound to stop the bleeding.

A hand falls gently on his shoulder and he realises the battle around him is over. Zoe and Jayne have finished the last of their opponents off without him.

"Jayne's gone to get the doctor."

The words send a rush of adrenaline through him. He applies more pressure and calms himself the best way he knows how to. He shuts off his thoughts and emotions. His instincts take over and he does what he can for Inara until Simon races over, med kit in hand.

Simon looks her over quickly and gestures towards the ship. "Carry her inside. Carefully."

"Will she be alright?" Mal asks.

Simon looks up at him for a second. His expression makes Mal want to break something.

"I don't know yet."

"Well, when _will_ you know?"

Mal leans down to gingerly pick Inara up off the ground and begins to walk towards the infirmary, the question lingering in the air. Once he's placed her on the infirmary bed and Simon has had time to 'fix' her, he aims a stare at Simon. "Will she be okay?"

Simon pauses to look back at him and every moment that he prolongs his answer is a moment Mal is in hell. He finally offers a shrug and shakes his head. "I'd say she'll be up and about again after a few weeks of bed rest. She'll be fine, Mal."

A weight lifts from Mal's shoulders instantly and he allows a relived smile. "Thank you, doc. That's good to hear."

_fin._


	14. Forget Everything

**_Forget Everything_**

**Notes: **Tag to "Our Mrs Reynolds".

"Forget it, Mal. Just...forget it. Go." Inara sends a withering glance in his direction and points towards the door. She swallows.

He offers a frustrated frown in reply and doesn't move.

"Now, Mal."

Still, he stays firm. He crosses his arms over his chest. "You know what?" he says. "I'm not leaving 'til you explain to me exactly what you asked me here to discuss. Now I'm sure you could lie to me easy enough without my tellin' but I'm gonna trust since you asked me here that you'll tell it to me straight." He narrows his eyes. "What did you plan on telling me?"

Swallowing, Inara shakes her head. Her gaze sweeps the floor. "I realise now that I was wrong. I was wrong to ask you to come here. What I was going to tell you will only complicate things and god knows they're complicated enough as is." There is fire in her eyes, burning her from the inside out as she speaks.

"Forget complications. Forget everything. Just tell me."

Inara studies him, assesses him. In her mind, she runs through the possible implications of what she wants so desperately to say to him. She realises she was ready previously to do so and it is decided. She'll talk. She'll tell him.

Feeling defiant and dangerous, as if she's on forbidden territory, she meets his eyes. "Okay, fine. What I was going to say is that what you took from one of our last conversations is false. I didn't let 'Saffron' kiss me." Her cheeks flush red from the rush her confession floods her with.

"But how?" Mal starts. It's the exact reaction she'd expected from him and also secretly desired. He's adorable when he's confused, she took note of not for the first time. "How," he tries again, "did you - "

"Think about it, Mal. The goodnight kiss. A narcotic compound spread over a seal on the lips that if you ingest knocks you out. Where else but Saffron's lips was it?"

She leaves in a flurry of red satin before he can make sense of her confession of sorts. A smile paints her face.

She only just hears the string of cuss words Mal comes out with when it hits him.

_fin._


	15. Empty Shell

**_Empty Shell_**

_"But we carry on our backs the burden_

_Time always reveals_

_The lonely light of morning_

_The wound that would not heal_

_It's the bitter taste of losing everything_

_That I have held so dear"_

_~ Fallen by Sarah McLaughlan_

He holds onto what he knows and what he knows lies in his past. War. Bloodshed. All that is unfair and unjust. He has scars from back then. Many of them.

The physical scars have more or less all healed but the mental pain, the memories, haunt him in his dreams and in every waking moment. They pain him more than words can sufficiently express and yet he clings to them like he can't live without them.

Perhaps he can't. What is a man without his past but an empty shell?

He never has wanted to find out.

All he has wanted is peace, his friends, maybe if _she_ was willing and available, he'd take a wife. Maybe.

No matter how his future unfolds, his past will never be far behind. He'd have it no other way.

_fin._


	16. For A Moment

**_For A Moment_**

_"I've never wanted anything_

_The way that I want you"_

_~ Tested And True by Secondhand Serenade_

She finds him in the mess sitting at the table. His head is in his hands and a cup of coffee - cold by now, she guesses - sits beside him, untouched.

Her heart aches for him, and not for the first time since the horrific events they'd faced on Miranda, she suddenly wants to tell him everything.

She wants to tell him that she wants him. She wants to tell him that she's never wanted anything the way she wants him. She wants to hold him and tell him it will be okay. It will.

She can't form the words on her lips. She can't talk.

She knows how he feels, how terribly scarred and broken he is, and she knows words won't fix it. They might help some, but it wouldn't be enough.

She places a hand on his shoulder and squeezes it gently.

He doesn't look up or flinch, but captures her hand in one of his and returns the gesture.

Silently, she tells him 'it'll be okay' and for a moment, she almost believes it.

_fin._


	17. His One And Only

**_His One And Only_**

"I am clinging to you

Never letting go

'cause I know that

You'll lift me out"

~ Lifeline by Brooke Fraser

He grips her hand tight and refuses to let go. He can't let go. He won't. If he does, he'll most certainly drown. He knows he can't go on without her there to guide him.

He can feel the tears push at the back of his eyes, feel their yearning to be released and to fall. He bites them back. Now is not the time for tears. When is it ever?

He grits his teeth and focuses on the feel of her hand in his. Warm. Fragile. Reassuring. She is his lifeline, his one and only.

He tightens his grip.

_fin._


	18. Tales From The Past And Silver Chains

**_Tales From The Past And Silver Chains_**

"Huh. So, you watch these vids often then, Inara?" Mal leaned casually around the door, his gaze resting on the somewhat startled Companion.

"Mal! What did I tell you about barging into my shuttle?" Inara retorted, reaching over to touch the vid screen. The old television series, _Robin Hood_, from back on Earth-That-Was disappeared as the screen went blank.

Mal shrugged and taking her question as an invitation to enter moved further inside. He automatically began to play with Inara's possessions.

"Got any tea?" Mal asked after a prolonged minute of silence. He turned to face Inara, who stared defiantly back at him.

"First you interrupt me by barging into my shuttle, at which point you play around my things, and now you want tea?"

"Yep. That'd be it," Mal grinned mysteriously at Inara's annoyed glare.

"Get out!" The tone to Inara's voice was deadly. Mal remained where he was, but his expression softened a little.

"Got something for ya." He reached into his pocket as he talked and fumbled around for a few seconds.

Inara watched him curiously, her anger fading. "Mal?"

He glanced up at her and their eyes met. Mal broke away suddenly and nervously handed her a small package. It was wrapped in brown paper and a smudge of grease marked it.

Inara looked from Mal's face to the package and back again. Her eyes questioned him, but no answer was given. Focusing back on the package, Inara carefully opened it.

She was conscious of the fact that Mal was watching her every move and willed a blank expression onto her face.

Inside the package was something Inara would never have expected to receive from Mal. It was a delicate necklace with a silver chain and several small rings of different colours attached. Inara took the necklace in the palm of her hand and pushing the rings along the chain, counting them as she did so.

"There's seven rings on it," Mal explained. "It's for good luck…"

Inara slowly lifted her gaze to look at Mal. She found herself unable to speak and a small smile crept onto her face. She hesitated, uncertain of what to say.

"I…uh…thank you," she finally settled on.

"'s nothing." Mal, under the impression that she didn't like it, shrugged a little too casually and turned to go. He didn't want Inara to see how much her liking his present meant to him – though he was certain she knew his every move anyhow. He chewed on his lower lip.

"Mal?"

He stopped, his back to her.

Inara watched him and smiled coyly. "I love it."

A wide grin spread over Mal's face.

_fin._


	19. She Already Knows

**_She Already Knows_**

"What is it that you want from me, Mal? What is it really?" Her eyes pierce his.

He doesn't respond. He can't. The words won't form into sentences and even if they did, he is certain that he'd be unable to put voice to them. He swallows.

"Well, Mal?" she asks. "What is it?"

_You_, he wants to say. _You._

That wouldn't be enough to say to her though, would it?

After all the time they'd spent avoiding anything bordering on a real relationship, no words would be enough.

"What do you want from me?"

He gives in fighting for the right thing to say and kisses her hard, surprising her. She responds to the kiss and he figures that's a good sign. He doesn't stop until he is sure his lungs will burst right out of his chest.

When they pull apart, he rests his forehead against hers. He is tempted to try telling her exactly what it is that he wants from her but the look in her eyes stops him.

She already knows.

_fin._


	20. Not So Dense

**_Not So Dense_**

_**Notes:** Tag to "Our Mrs Reynolds"._

He's not as dense as Inara may think he is.

He knows she didn't just climb down into his quarters, find him unconscious and fall. He knows it better than he knows Serenity, and Serenity, he knows awfully well. It makes no sense at all that she'd fall like that.

Inara is a Companion. Her every move is the essence of graceful. Hell, if he looked up "graceful" on the cortex, Inara's name would be written beside it.

She'd have had to been sick; not herself. Of course, finding him could have unsettled her but he highly doubted that it was the cause for her mishap. She possesses much poise in everything she does, no matter how disconcerting the situation – he's seen it himself on many an occasion.

He doesn't believe she'd let Saffron kiss her, either, or vice versa. It doesn't quite add up in his mind, what with Inara's reaction earlier. She'd been rather mortified if he read her correctly and had told him she found the whole thing degrading.

Not as much slips past his attention as Inara may think, anyhow, which is why he has to lie.

If he admits he knows the truth about what happened, it would tear them farther apart. Complications and such. He hates those.

He can only erase all doubt in her mind that he knows she kissed him and that he was semi-conscious when it happened. He won't tell her it made his heart race for her; that he wants her. Badly.

He won't scare her away.

He takes a deep breath and forces a smirk onto his face. It really isn't hard. He just has to remember that she, Inara Serra, the highly Companion kissed _him_.

He says the final words that will put an end this confusion.

"I _knew_ you let her kiss you!'

_fin._


	21. Tied Down

**_Tied Down_**

_"Maybe I'm just scared_

_To face the things I fear_

_It's easier to walk away_

_From everything"_

_~ 'Walk Away (Maybe)' by Good Charlotte_

She sometimes wonders why it is she left Serenity. The real reason. Was it really, truly because she didn't want to tie herself down by getting too attached to Serenity and her crew? Was it?

She'd had passing thoughts that she'd never let herself fully indulge herself in that it was not. She'd had passing thoughts that she'd left for fear of making such attachments, such connections, that she'd get too close.

She had it ingrained into her mind that getting too close was disastrous. She couldn't afford it.

She had been falling, madly and deeply into what could only be labelled a relationship with Mal when she'd made up her mind to leave and that only strengthened that argument.

She had run to get away from her fears, her fears of falling hard, of being tied down.

It's a plausible enough theory to her. It makes sense.

She sometimes wonders if that theory were in fact correct, what pushed her to such rash behaviour? What pushed her to the edge of lunacy? The only answer she's ever come up with is love. Forbidden love.

_fin._


	22. Tales Of Regret And Letting Go

**_Tales Of Regret And Letting Go_**

**_A/N:_**_ This was a 30 sentence challenge for _**_30_shinyfics_**_ based on prompts. Basically, one sentence stories. Let me know if you think I should write any of them up into fic! :)_

_001 Thunder_

A crash of thunder set Inara's heart racing and for once, she was glad that Mal was by her side, despite his obvious delight in teasing her about it.

_002 Easy_

Nothing had ever come easy to them – not when they first met, not when they'd known each other for several months and not even now, as they held hands and raced through the rain, exchanging sharp comments and insults.

_003 Old_

Never before had Inara imagined growing old with someone who cared for her as much as Mal.

_004 Let's go_

Mal whispered, "let's go", in her ear and she nodded before following him out of the musty bar.

_005 Ash_

His heart was ash on the metal floor of Serenity as Inara said her final goodbyes to the rest of the crew.

_006 Lucky_

They'd gotten in trouble a lot of times in the past and had come out unscathed, a thing that made Inara very much certain that someone really liked them or else they possessed more luck than their fair share.

_007 Voices_

Their voices lowered, Mal and Inara decided to spend the night in Mal's bunk rather than in the shuttle.

_008 Blue_

Blue eyes, full of sorrow, stared back at her and she knew that it would be the last thing she ever saw.

_009 Room_

"We should keep it in the room", she had told him, but it was the last thing she wanted to do.

_010 Cliché_

Had Inara not known better, she'd have thought her newfound relationship with Mal to be a cliché.

_011 Hug_

His arms went around her shoulders instinctively and he pulled her close as she cried into his shirt.

_012 Crystal clear_

"Are we clear?" she had asked him in regard to the addendums she had set up and although he knew he wasn't going to follow them all, he said "crystal clear".

_013 Search_

Mal spent the entire day searching for a present for Inara when he heard that it was her birthday.

_014 Morning_

They didn't wake up by each other's side in the morning, but what they had was enough.

_015 Doubt_

She doubted that they'd ever have a real relationship – and he doubted that he'd ever prove her wrong.

_016 Summer_

Watching Kaylee and River roll around in the grass one summer's day, Inara and Mal went an entire hour without exchanging a single insult.

_017 Wind_

Wind in her hair, Inara walked alongside Mal towards Serenity.

_018 Afternoon_

They spent the rest of the afternoon sitting on the catwalk together, legs dangling below them.

_019 Guilt_

Guilt-ridden, Mal offered Inara a book of poetry he'd found offworld to replace the candleholder he'd broken while in her shuttle that morning.

_020 Regret_

Regret, to them, was not telling each other their true feelings.

_021 When_

Mal had tried again and again to talk to Inara about their relationship when he realised what had sent her away the last time, but could never quite get the right words out.

_022 Tongue-tied_

The day Inara pushed Mal against the wall and pressed her mouth to his was the day he learned a new meaning to the word 'tongue-tied'.

_023 Green_

As they walked through the forest, leaves of different colours fell down around them, mottled green and yellow and brown.

_024 Yellow_

He watched her paint yellow poppies over the walls of the mess with Kaylee, spellbound by the elegance she displayed with each stroke of her brush.

_025 Die_

Death was inevitable and dying alone, though Inara protested, was also.

_026 Bathe_

Bathing was a luxury that, once Inara introduced him to, he couldn't get enough of.

_027 Evening_

Late in the evening when Mal and Inara were the only ones left in the mess, they shared the final bottle of Kaylee's freshly made wine; the next morning it hit them just how much they had drunk.

_028 More_

They both wanted more; they both remained silent.

_029 Acting_

It was the day after Mal and Inara had gotten drunk together that Kaylee noticed them acting strangely and worked out what had happened.

_030 Less_

Less, to them, was more and Inara hated it.

_fin._


	23. One Day

**_One Day_**

Her eyes glisten. Tears, like tiny crystalline bubbles, leave salty trails down her cheeks. Her skin almost glows from the moisture gathered there. A wound mars her left cheek and although it is merely a scratch, it is what breaks him.

"Inara." His voice is husky and deep.

She stares up at him from where she crouches on the ground. Her usual defiance and strength is nowhere to be seen. It scares him.

He takes a step forward and then another. Another step.

She still feels too far away.

"Inara," he repeats.

Swallowing, she continues to watch him. She doesn't say a word.

He moves closer and closer and bends down beside her. He pays no mind to the rest of the crew around them and reaches out to brush a finger along her jaw line and just underneath her wound. He studies it, assesses it.

It shouldn't have happened. She didn't deserve this. Any of this. None of them did.

His eyes slide from her injury to meet her eyes. He feels like he could easily drown in their deep, brown, captivating depths. He feels drawn to them, drawn to her.

He wants to forget everything and give in to the desire, but can't seem to let go of the horrifying images burnt into his brain. Her expression suggests she too is reliving recent events.

He clenches his jaw. "Inara, you doin' okay?" He doesn't expect a verbal answer. He can barely find the words to say, himself.

She shakes her head and it's like she injected poison into his heart. Pain. Screaming pain. All of it's for her.

"I...I'm not doin' too well myself," he admits. His eyes burn as tears prick at them. His vision blurs.

Before he knows what he's doing, he's reaching for Inara and pulling her close to him, being careful as to not to disturb the wound on her face. He's burying his head in the crook of her neck and letting his fears and his pain out in the form of salty, wet tears.

He can feel her own tears begin to soak their way through his shirt.

He strokes her hair.

"We'll be okay," he says softly. "We'll be okay."

She pulls back slowly and looks him in the eyes. "I hope you're right."

He recalls the Battle of Serenity Valley and the sharp realisation that he was alone, the Browncoats were alone. He recalls the pain he felt when they were given the order to surrender. He recalls the moment he lost what had mattered to him so fiercely before the war: his faith.

He sees the same hopelessness in Inara's expression.

"I am right," he tells her firmly. "One day, maybe not for a long while, but one day, we'll be okay."

He takes her hand in his and squeezes it gently.

"We'll get through this."

_fin._


	24. Roles Reversed

**_Roles Reversed_**

Someone is crying.

He can hear their sobs resonate through the cargo bay, so very ragged and out of control.

Kaylee? Is it her?

He takes a tentative step on the catwalk towards the sound and then another step. Another step. Another.

He pauses and listens.

The crying continues.

He moves forwards and as he does so, he realises whoever it is must be in Inara's shuttle.

Inara? It couldn't be.

Kaylee must have gone to Inara's shuttle to seek the Companion out in a time of need.

His mind made up, he completes his journey and enters the shuttle. He quietly, cautiously, peers in. Stops short.

Inara. It is her.

She's sitting on her bed, knees pulled up to her chest. Her head rests on her knees and her body shakes with every sob that fills the room.

She looks up suddenly, takes in a lungful of air, and he can see the moisture on her face, the tears in her eyes.

His heart stops.

"Inara?" he says, forgetting how awkward these types of situations make him. "You okay?"

She finally sees him, realises he's there, and swipes madly at her tears. "I'm fine, Mal."

"Are you really?" he replies, "'cause you don't look fine to me. You been crying."

"Please. Just go."

"Can't," he says. "You're one o' my crew. What kind of captain would I be if I didn't make sure you're all right?"

She doesn't respond, but continues to glare at him.

"Anyhaps, I got no place to be for awhile, so you're stuck with me. Unless of course you're gonna forcibly remove me which I don't see happenin'."

Swallowing, beginning to realise what he's doing, he joins Inara on the bed. He sits next to her. He's careful not to dirty it with his boots, a fact that he thinks later may or may not have been the cause of the flicker of a smile on Inara's face.

"Aren't I the one who's supposed to do the consoling?" she manages. Her voice is raw.

"Not today, you're not." He hesitantly reaches an arm out, wraps it around her shoulders.

There's another glimmer of a smile followed by another tear drop rolling down her face.

"You know what?" he says in an attempt to keep the conversation going and the awkwardness at bay. "I think I'm actually quite good at this consoling thing. May even be better'n you are."

She allows the smile to fully surface. It's watery but it's there. It's something.

She doesn't confirm or protest against his comment, but leans over and puts her head on his shoulder. "Thank you," she whispers.

He is uncertain how to respond, so gently kisses her forehead and pulls her closer.

_fin._


	25. Stubborn Heart

**_Stubborn Heart_**

_"Well I heard you say_

_You can't change a stubborn heart _

_Yeah, I can relate _

_'cause that's how I feel when I talk with you"_

_~ "Don't Give Up" by Sanctus Real_

His ear is to the door of Inara's shuttle when he hears it.

"You can't change a stubborn heart."

It makes him cringe and at the same time smirk at the irony it presents him with.

He's always thought of Inara as being stubborn. He's thought her defiant and firmly independent and unmoving in who she is and what she does. He has considered her unchangeable for some time now, in fact. That he has now heard her say a stubborn heart cannot be changed only makes it more set in his mind.

If that's really how she feels, if she really, truly believes it, he knows he's in trouble. They're both in trouble.

And he himself wasn't any better. He wasn't even going to start with his own psycho analysis thingy. Whatever it was called.

He peers into the shuttle and sees her pouring over her comm screen at what looks like a poem. She murmurs something else.

"Yeah, I can relate, 'cause that's how I feel when I talk with you."

He scrunches up his face. "Huh?"

He doesn't realise he spoke aloud until Inara turns and fixes him with an annoyed glare.

"Mal," she says. She studies him intensely. "How long have you been there?"

He shrugs. Attempts a smile. "Long enough."

She continues to watch him.

"I heard what you said," he goes on. "That 'you can't change a stubborn heart' and all."

Silence.

"I think there might be something to that. You know."

She surprises him and doesn't protest any more about his intrusion. "Hmmm. Maybe," she agrees softly. There is a glint in her eyes that suggests something bigger is on her mind.

"Yeah, I'm thinkin' so," he tries. "Can't get nowhere being stubborn."

Her lips twitch up into a small smile. She brushes a strand of hair from her face. "That is true," she confirms.

"So, what is that exactly?" He nods towards the script on screen.

Inara closes the window and shuts off the comm so that the screen abruptly turns black. She drapes material over it to hide it from sight.

"Hey!"

"It's really none of your business, Mal," she says brusquely. Perhaps she had realised that she'd not put up an act for him. Perhaps she had realised they were not fighting and any time they weren't fighting, they were on even more dangerous grounds, grounds that had potential to transform their relationship into something more solid and more serious and more complicated.

"Well," he says, frowning. "Fine. That's fine. I...uh...I'll just go. I'll leave you be." He spins around and heads for the door without another word or another glance in Inara's direction. So much for a conversation that didn't end with one of them storming out!

He can hear Inara murmur 'I guess the song was right' as he hits the ground outside and the irony sinks in once more. Even trying to discard their defiant natures, they end up running from each other. Even when they try to be the slightest bit civil, the end result is the complete opposite: chaos and misery.

"You can't change a stubborn heart."

He repeats the line, hating every word as he says it.

_fin._


	26. Waiting And Hoping

**_Waiting And Hoping_**

_"Come on and leave the fears  
_

_That you were afraid to find_

_'cause while you wait inside_

_The days go by"_

_~ Days Go By by Lifehouse_

"C'mon, Inara," he says. "Live a little."

She very nearly tells him 'yes'. She very nearly breaks and gives in to the desire to open up to him completely. He has such a hold on her, such influence over her decisions, that it's rather scary.

She controls herself just barely, knowing as she does that one day she will fall to her knees and throw it all in. She will lose everything she knows in doing so, but she will gain so much more.

She knows that he is waiting for her to make that fatal slip as well. Waiting and hoping, as she does.

"Maybe next time," she brushes him off with a smile. "Maybe."

_fin._


	27. None Of It Means A Damn Thing

**_None Of It Means A Damn Thing_**

As if it wasn't enough that she was leaving, Inara just _had_ to drive it in.

Packing crates.

She had asked him for packing crates.

It shouldn't have affected him so, but it had. Her words had stung him like none had before.

Packing crates.

She was really leaving.

What made it worse was that a part of him knew, as much as he hated to admit it, that it was his fault.

He made his way back to her shuttle, empty crates held under one arm. Soon they would be filled with her belongings, her possessions, and her shuttle would be left bare. Pausing by her door, he swallowed down the lump that pushed at his throat and clamped his eyes shut for a moment.

There was nothing he could do to change things. Hell, he'd tried to change things between them and all it had gotten him _was_ this. He had asked her for the truth, the truth of her feelings for him, if they so existed, and she had rejected him.

It was that exact moment that he'd pushed too far that had left Inara teetering over the edge with no way to escape but to run. _He_ was the reason why she was leaving.

Tears sprang to his eyes and he blinked furiously to clear them. He had to get a grip. This was happening regardless of what he felt about it and he was powerless to stop it. Sulking about it wouldn't achieve anything at all.

Closing off his emotions and his heart, he wiped at his eyes with his free hand, and then, repeating over and over in his mind "none of it means a damn thing", he stepped forwards to enter her shuttle.

There would be no future for them now or ever.

_fin._


	28. Nothing At All

_**A/N: **Song lyrics are from "Perfect World" by Simple Plan._

**_Nothing At All_**

_I never could have seen this far_

_I never could have seen this coming_

_It seems like my world's falling apart (yeah)_

_Why is everything so hard?_

_I don't think that I can deal_

_With the things you said_

_It just won't go away_

The words hung in the air like a bad smell, more brutal than a kick in the gut.

_I'm leaving._

She had actually said it. Inara had actually said it.

She was leaving.

Mal stared down the now empty catwalk where she had disappeared from only minutes earlier. Nothing in the verse would have prepared him for her admission. Nothing would have prepared him for the near fatal blow it gave him.

_I'm leaving._

He could hear his heart shatter in his chest even as the words repeated over and over and over in his mind.

_In a perfect world _

_This could never happen_

_In a perfect world _

_You'd still be here _

_And it makes no sense_

_I can just pick up the pieces_

_But to you this means nothing_

_Nothing at all_

The day after they dropped Inara off at the Companion Training House, the play count on the capture Kaylee had taken of her had increased to 43 plays. It wasn't just Mal who'd been watching. Of that he was certain. The crew – _all_ of them – had watched it at least once, Kaylee several times more.

By the time it had turned up mysteriously in Mal's bunk it was already on 42. He'd reached for it gingerly as if the slightest touch would break it and with a heavy heart had pressed the play button.

The scene in Inara's room of her packing the last of her possessions filled the screen once more and the aching in his chest increased. He let the capture fall to his desk and angrily walked over to his bed.

Sitting down on it, he put his head in his hands and fought back the tears he longed to shed.

_I used to think that I was strong_

_Until the day it all went wrong _

_I think I need a miracle to make it through (Yeah)_

_I wish that I could bring you back _

_I wish that I could turn back time_

_Cuz I can't let go_

_I just can't find my way (Yeah)_

_Without you I just can't find my way_

He had been fine before Inara had arrived on Serenity – shiny, in fact – so why was it that now that she was gone, everything was falling apart? He had forgotten how to smile without her presence on the ship and his thoughts were filled with nothing but _her._

He wanted to forget her. He wanted his mind erased of her scent. He wanted to close his eyes and not see her face.

He was in the woods once more, but this time the path was blocked.

_In a perfect world _

_This could never happen_

_In a perfect world _

_You'd still be here _

_And it makes no sense_

_I can just pick up the pieces_

_But to you this means nothing_

_Nothing at all_

Nightmares. He had started having nightmares.

He'd had plenty of them from the war, but none like these. These ones were all about her. These ones were about that day; that moment. They were tearing him apart.

_I'm leaving._

He almost longed for the vivid images of his war buddies falling around him.

_I don't know what I should do now_

_I don't know where I should go_

_I'm still here waiting for you_

_I'm lost when you're not around_

_I need to hold onto you_

_I just can't let you go_

_(Yeah, Yeah)_

It finally hit him one day as he was watching the capture of Inara for the 97th time that he missed her.

He missed her more than he cared to admit.

He longed to put his arms around her and hold her close.

He longed to run his fingers through her hair and hear her voice once more.

He couldn't let her go.

He couldn't forget.

_In a perfect world _

_This could never happen_

_In a perfect world _

_You'd still be here _

_And it makes no sense_

_I can just pick up the pieces_

_But to you this means nothing_

_Nothing at all_

Nothing was going to change the situation. Nothing was going to bring Inara back. Mal knew it in his heart.

He had no choice but to go on, to keep flying.

Inara had left and that was all there was to it.

_You feel nothing _

_Nothing at all_

_Nothing at all_

Worse than anything was the thought that to Inara, none of it meant a damn thing.

_fin._


	29. Concerns Of The Heart

**_Concerns Of The Heart_**

"How's your lip?"

Mal, as if he hadn't learnt from the last time he'd asked Inara that question, barged into her shuttle as he repeated it, and walked up to her. He refrained from reaching up to cup her jaw like he had earlier so that he could further inspect where Early had struck her, and instead grabbed what looked like an incense holder off the cabinet to keep his hands occupied while his eyes roamed the room like it was the first time he was seeing it.

Inara didn't spare him a glance and continued about placing the brilliant red silk gown she'd been holding when he'd barged in into a drawer and gently closing it. That gown held more memories than she cared to remember and although it had been one of her favourites, she needed a change.

Only when she was satisfied that it was out of sight and would remain so for as long as she so desired, she turned to acknowledge him. "Mal," she said simply, almost gazing at him through long, made-up lashes. "What do you want?"

"Uh…how's your lip?" he enquired yet again, somewhat more awkwardly than the previous times. He shifted uncomfortably and set his eyes on the 'possible' incense holder like his life depended on it.

"Oh," Inara murmured. She automatically reached up to gently run the pad of her index finger over the broken skin and grimaced ever so slightly, as if tracing the blemish had brought back images of what had happened.

Mal couldn't help but look up again when she failed to continue and his eyes met hers.

"It's still a little sore, but nothing I can't handle," she finished weakly, knowing instinctively that he had seen her discomfort. For a moment too long, she allowed herself to stare into the blue depths of his eyes, before reality caught up and forced her to break free. She focused her gaze on the incense holder still in Mal's hand and vaguely wondered to herself why she hadn't taken it off him yet.

"I…uh…" she started.

"Well," Mal said at the same time.

They both stopped and grinned awkwardly at each other.

"You go first," Inara told him.

"Oh, it was nothing," he replied with a shrug that was more uptight than he so clearly wanted it to be. "Jus' trying to make conversation or the like." He straightened his posture, perhaps to prove he was indeed being casual, and offered her a non-committal look. "You?"

Smiling to herself, Inara repeated his actions although hers were graceful from years of practice. "Oh, it was nothing," she said. "Although I _would_ appreciate it if you wouldn't touch my belongings."

Mal immediately set the incense holder down where he'd found it and stared at it guiltily for a few seconds before looking back up at Inara.

"Well," he said again. "I'd better be…you know…off. Captain-y things and all that." He waved his hands towards the door. He didn't move.

"Okay," Inara put in, eyeing him curiously.

Mal nodded slowly as if contemplating something. "Yeah. So…I'll be out of here, now," he added on, shaking his head. He gave her a mock bow and retreated; leaving Inara to wonder what would happen with him, if next time something happened to her, it were more than a mere scratch.

She was certain of one thing and only one thing. That would be an interesting day.

_fin._


	30. Joining The Remnants Back Together

**_Joining The Remnants Back Together_**

He sees their relationship burn to ashes when he looks into her eyes.

_I'm leaving._

In their cool depths, a fire rages. The already tattered edges of what they are turn slowly brown and then grey and then it is no more.

_I'm leaving._

The ashes drift calmly away, disappearing from sight. More burnt and burning pieces follow until finally all that remains is a smouldering heap in his mind's eye.

_I'm leaving._

He doesn't allow himself to breathe. When he can't take it anymore, he chokes down what oxygen is left in his mouth. His throat burns, feels like it's bleeding, but he doesn't want air.

_I'm leaving._

He wants her; he wants her to join the remnants of what little they had back together. He wants to feel whole.

_fin._


	31. People Lie, People Deceive

**_People Lie, People Deceive_**

_"I heard, that evil comes disguised  
_

_Like a city of angels_

_I'm walking towards the light"_

_~ 'The River' by Good Charlotte_

He feels betrayed. Betrayed and hurt.

She was not supposed to make him wish he were dead. She was not supposed to be the source of his broken heart.

She was supposed to be there to heal him.

He should have realised that wouldn't be the way of it. It had become clear to him some time ago that people lie. People deceive.

Hell, he was one of those people.

Why should she be any different?

He'd never had guessed she'd be one of them but now, here they were.

She'd gone back to being a Companion after everything she had said.

He'd been a fool.

Not anymore.

_fin._


	32. Worth It

**_Worth It_**

"I wish I never met you."

"Aww, come on, Inara! You don't mean that."

"No, I really do mean it. If I hadn't of met you, I wouldn't be...well, here!"

She scrunches her nose up and gestures around them with a delicate wave of her hand.

He takes a look although he already knows what's there.

They're in a field of cows, completely surrounded by the things and also, their droppings. Lots of their droppings. It smells worse than he conjures the crew would smell like after a few months of not showering. He's already been witness to Jayne in such a way and that? That had been bad. Real bad. Multiply that by nine people and their noses would be in all kinds of trouble.

He lifts a shoulder in a careless shrug. "I don't see what's so bad about it."

"Of course you wouldn't, but I usually don't occupy such...places. And honestly Mal? It stinks."

"It really does." He sniffs the air and fills his lungs with fresh air tainted by cow dung. "But it's fun, isn't it? Even just a little?"

"Mal, you invited me on a pleasant walk through the fields," she reminds him. "You didn't mention that there would be cows and this stench!"

"Well, no, but isn't the moon pretty?" He nods at the sky and glances discreetly at her to see if she takes the bait.

She does. "Well, yes," she agrees, smiling softly. "It is."

"Makes it worth the walk out here, don't ya think?"

She doesn't answer.

"Inara?"

Her gaze drops to meet his and they share a smile, forgetting for the moment about the terrible smell.

"It's beautiful," she says.

Without taking his eyes from hers, he nods. "Yeah, it really is."

_fin._


	33. The Crib

**_The Crib_**

He's not sure what compels him to do it exactly. He's standing over the crib, looking at the darlin' thing tucked beneath the covers and it just overcomes him, an urge, a need, a desire to show that he cares. His hands are venturing down into the soft material and gently picking up the baby before he can help himself and soon, she is in his arms.

Once he has her in his grasp, however easy it was to get to that point, he doesn't know what to do. He opts for looking at her, stroking her leg with his thumb where he's got a hold of her. Judging by the smile on Inara's face it's the right thing to do. He grins.

"How about it?" he says cockily. "I think she likes me."

"I'd say she does at that," Inara agrees.

"Picked out a name yet?"

She shakes her head.

"We'll have to think o' somethin' 'fore too long." Instinctively, he presses a kiss to the girls' forehead. "Won't we, little one?"

She gives a little cry, a happy cry, he is relieved to hear.

"Give it time. A name will come." Inara moves closer to them and wraps her arms around them both. "In the meantime, let's get back to the ship. We shouldn't keep the others waiting."

He nods, grins some more. "Let's. It's about time they met our little darlin' here."

Without another word exchanged, they begin the walk back.

As a second thought, he turns. "Want the crib?"

"Mal!" Though she scolds him - that would be stealing! - her eyes betray her.

He hands her their child and waits for her to go ahead. Once she's a safe distance, he makes sure no one is watching and then grabs it under one arm. The nursery surely wouldn't miss it that much. He sets off after them.

"Mighty fine crib for a mighty fine babe," he mutters to himself. Oh yeah!

_fin._


	34. There Are Words

**_There Are Words_**

"Put it down."

"Hmm?"

"I said 'put it down'."

"Oh. Right. Sorry."

Mal places the vase he'd been fiddling with back where he'd found it on Inara's dresser and shoves his hands deep into his pockets. He forces a smile.

"So."

"Yes?"

"How're...things?"

"You came all this way to ask me 'how're things'?" Her voice is laced with amusement and a smile plays at her lips.

"I...well...no, but... Are you good? Is this," he says, gesturing around them, "all going all right, settlin' back in and all?"

"Everything is fine, Mal. I'm fine. This is fine."

He narrows his eyes at her. "A whole lot o' fines there, sounds like."

"Yes. There are."

"Well, then."

Inara raises an eyebrow.

"That's good. That's real good."

"Yes."

"So."

"Are you going to tell me what you're really here for?"

Mal appears to ponder over it for a moment and then shakes his head. "Nah, it doesn't matter none. I should...uh...go."

"Captain-y things?"

"Jus' don't wanna make a fool of myself actually. You see, there are words. Words I haven't said. Words I want to say. But I'm thinking you don't want to hear them."

She frowns. "I'm a big girl. Just tell me."

He scrunches up his face.

"Mal?"

He shakes his head some more. "I'll see you later. Dinner at oh-eight-hundred hours."

"Right."

Inara watches him leave, heavy hearted, and wishes to herself that she had the courage to say the words Mal couldn't.

_fin._


	35. A Difficult Feat

_**A Difficult Feat**_

"Leave the past in the past."

"Where else would I leave it?" Mal scoffs.

Dark eyes fix on his and narrow.

"I mean," he adds, "you wouldn't leave the past in the future, right? That would be damn near impossible. Ain't any technology I've heard of says otherwise. I don't think any kinda time machine has been created 'less the Alliance got more of those secret project types going about right under the nose of everyone who has a nose and isn't involved in the project."

"Mal!"

He shrugs. "Just sayin'."

"Well don't. I'm trying to be serious here and you're making it a difficult feat."

"Then don't be serious. Relax for once. Let your hair down. Drop your top. Erm. Forget that last bit. You probably do that enough already and it's more business than the other thing."

She sighs, a heavy exhalation of air. Dark brown curls fall across her face and obscure her view. She flicks them away in one fluid motion. "I'm going to ignore your immature comments there."

His grin fades to be replaced by a firm smile lacking any amusement. "Yeah? Well I know what you're trying to say. And I appreciate it."

"I'm glad to hear that."

"Yeah, well." He shrugs.

"Despite all of it," she says, "let's not do the angst ridden conversation riddled with childish comments please. Frankly, I'm weary of it. It takes up a lot of energy that could be used on things much more productive."

"Such as?" He smirks a bit.

"I'm sure you can fill in that blank yourself," she says mysteriously.

"Right. Of course."

"This will be a bit of a contradiction but I suppose you're going to go on as if nothing happened and everything is okay, as if you're not repressing what happened. You probably have yourself convinced this is how things should be."

Pain flashes momentarily in his eyes and he swallows. And then he's back to grinning at her and shaking his head. "Nothing is how it should be. What choice is there but to move on?"

"Mal. I want you to know that even with everything that has happened, you are not alone. If you need anything at all, I'm here for you. I'm saying this as your friend."

"So we're friends now, huh?"

She rolls her eyes. "Just... try. Please."

"We're friends?"

"Yes," she admits. "We are."

"Okay." He smiles weakly. "Good to know."

"Try to move on, Mal."

"I will," he says. "I am. Have, in fact." He waves his hands in the air in front of him. "See?" He grins and then his expression changes rapidly to a serious one. "I'm fine, Inara. I've moved on."

She sighs as he offers her a mock bow and then moves off to leave her on her own. "But you're only moving on, on the outside."

_fin._


	36. Poison in my Veins

**_Poison in my Veins_**

"You're poison running through my veins," she whispers. She doesn't mean to say it, but it slips out anyway. It's a truth of sorts that she's been thinking about a lot in recent times, one that has given her many restless nights.

Mal looks at her oddly. "Huh?"

"It's nothing. Nothing important." Her gaze drops and she stares intently into her mug of tea. The liquid seems so much more vivid and real for a moment.

"Didn't sound like nothin' to me," he replies. "Inara-"

"Don't. Please."

"But-"

"I didn't mean anything I just said, Mal."

Mal frowns; she's certain that he doesn't believe her.

"I didn't mean..."

"You did. And you don't have to pretend otherwise." With that, Mal grasped his own mug in one hand and stood up. "I'll be in my bunk if you want to change your mind and talk."

She watches him walk away and then returns to staring into her mug. The liquid suddenly looks a lot darker and murky than before. Poisonous almost. She sighs.

_fin._


	37. Tunnel Vision

**_Tunnel Vision_**

They are dancing, smiles on their faces and minds blocked off to everything that isn't them. Around them others dance, caught up in their own worlds too. It's hard to imagine at this point in time that anything else exists.

Her hand is soft in his and her waist small, and perfectly shaped for his hand to lie upon. The music is gentle and they move slowly with it as the night progresses and the first slivers of darkness come in from the open doorway of the ballroom.

What could be minutes or hours later – there's no way to tell as there are no clocks, and time here doesn't follow the normal rules of society – he guides her toward the door. They dance their way over and then exit while the party continues on inside.

On the balcony, the air is cold. Night envelopes them in darkness. The only light is from behind them in the house. It is bright enough that they aren't bothered enough to bring it up. They stand in silence and stare out into the gardens, only just visible below them.

Gradually they levitate toward each other. She is still smiling. Her lips glisten, cherry red, and there are soft crinkles at the corner of her lips.

He steps closer and his own smile wavers for a second as he places a hand back on her waist. No words are spoken. To speak would be to break this moment and neither of them can bear that thought. He leans in and presses his lips to hers. Just one kiss. One quick kiss.

His arms wrap around her and they sway together to the music – dim now. The cool air cocoons itself around them and both know it will soon force them back inside, but until that time comes, they relax in one another's arms.

_fin._


	38. Maybe It Was Jayne

_**Maybe It Was Jayne**_

"Wasn't my fault."

"Mal!"

"Well, it wasn't!"

Inara stares at him, an expression caught somewhere between anger and disbelief plastered on her face. She crosses her arms over her chest and clenches her jaw.

"Maybe it was Jayne!"

She ignores him.

"Or River?" He looks hopefully at her.

She only just manages to hide the smile fighting for control of her face. "I know if was you," she says plainly.

He offers her a puzzled frown.

"Your clothes," she explains. She does smile momentarily when he glances down at his trousers and back up again.  
"What about 'em?"

The seriousness of the situation hits her once more and her smile fades. "Your clothes," she says again, "are dirty. Perhaps as dirty as the length of silk you destroyed when you decided to trail it through the mud."

He blinks.

She pierces him with a single look.

"Oops?"

_fin._


	39. Bitter Taste

_**Bitter Taste**_

_So long, so long, I have erased you_

_So long, so long, I've wanted to waste you_

_So long, so long, I have erased you_

_I have escaped the bitter taste of you_

"_Bitter Taste", Three Days Grace_

Mal frowns when Kaylee thrusts a capture into his hands, and then hurries past him after telling him, "watch it." He stares after her, down the hallway, until she's gone from sight and all that's left is metal and a sick feeling in the pit of his stomach.

He takes the steps down into his quarters carefully and as slowly as he can. The longer it takes to take the capture down to his bunk, the longer it will be until he has to view it. He's certain it's not a thing he wants to be watching. Kaylee has a way about her though, that often ends up with him feeling guilty and following her every word to make up for it.

Eventually he makes it to his bunk. There, he lies down on his side and props his head up on one hand, while the other hand curls around the capture, fiddles with it for a few minutes and finally hits play.

Inara.

He should have guessed. He watches the Companion brush off Kaylee's insistence that the capture is important and that her time on the ship should be recorded. He's not surprised. Inara's never been one to make that kind of scene. She's different. Better.

Kaylee and Inara exchange more words that hold little importance and don't quite sink in and River makes an appearance in the capture too. Mal swallows. Things have changed.

He hits the capture hard enough to turn it off and tosses it onto the floor. It makes a sick thud when it lands. He doesn't see it hit the floor though. Too many unshed tears in his eyes ensure he doesn't see much else for awhile.

_fin_


	40. A Beautiful Spiral

_**A Beautiful Spiral**_

It frustrated her when it was thoughts of Mal keeping her awake at night. She liked to think she was strong and independent, but sometimes she craved his presence; she would feel the weight of loneliness crush her and give in to it, letting it consume her if only for a few hours.

In the blackness of night it seemed less of a thing she should be concerned about. The feelings would surge through her and rather than fight them as she did in daylight hours, she'd encourage them. She would feel them writhe inside of her like a coil springing apart for the first time.

Sudden and brutal and real.

By morning it would be rolled up again, a beautiful spiral, the pattern on the back of a sea shell. Tidied away and put back into order. That's how it should be, she knew, but every time the spiral unravelled she wished more and more for it to not be the case. It felt so much easier and she felt freer when she was unravelled and not hiding behind some facade or another.

But would she still feel that way in the harsh reality of day and face to face with Mal's scorn?

She tossed and turned and started wondering how she'd apply enough make up to cover up the signs of her broken sleep.

_fin_


	41. Never Stop Feeling

_**Never Stop Feeling**_

_I'll be there in a heart beat_

- Summer Paradise, Simple Plan

Something told her that leaving Serenity would make no difference. The bond she was so desperately trying to flee would not be outrun or left behind her. It would follow her and cling to her til the end of time, and it would ensure that she got no peace from it.

She hated it. But the knowledge was there. If she had to – if there was ever an occasion when Mal needed her to save him – she would be there in a heartbeat. It was a fact of life she regretted. Some ties were not meant to be undone.

This was one of those ties, it's rope biting into her skin and bringing blood to the surface; it rubbed her raw and left her with crimson droplets on her wrists, arms, legs, wherever there was skin. The pain jolted through her and only made her more certain. Her leaving would make no difference.

She was human. She would never stop feeling.

_Fin._


	42. Complex Fruits

_**Complex Fruits**_

His focus was off. Had been awhile now. It came to be that when he lacked time to sleep his mind would wander more, and everything around him would blur into nothingness. Sometimes that was okay. Sometimes he really regretted it.

Now was one of the times he knew he would regret, but for some reason, he let the fantasy play out in his thoughts. The images in his brain were as vivid as if it was happening and real. He could nearly taste the cherry scent that wafted from Inara as she walked up to him, so sharp and flavoursome and sweet and bitter all at the same time.

There was a complexity to the fruit just as there was her, and it was one that he yearned to figure out. He didn't argue when she moved far closer to him than normal. Personal space was not a concept that the Inara in his fantasies understood.

She would walk up to him, slow and graceful and all long legs and creamy skin. Her cherry lips would fascinate him and he would know then that it was the lip gloss she wore that smelled like cherries. His longing to taste it grew stronger. He watched her as she played out those actions, smiling. Smiling at him. Wanting him.

And he knew then that it was a lie. If ever Inara walked toward him it would not be with a small sly smile. It would more likely than not be with anger and flushed cheeks and dark hair cascading in wild rushes down her back. It would be with sharp words on her tongue.

He was moving into dangerous territory. To fantasize about her was one thing, but to be aroused by thoughts of her out of control and livid at him was wrong. It was dirty and crude and something someone like Jayne should be thinking. Not him. He was a decent enough guy when it came to that kind of thing.

He wasn't the bad guy. Right?

_fin._


	43. Ghosts in This

_**Ghosts in This**_

Few words could be exchanged now. Not after all they'd been through. Not after all the loss. All they could do was stare at each other across the table and wonder how the other was faring. Mal's eyes met hers for a moment, steely blue on brown, and she had to look away.

But the moment she did turn, it felt wrong, and she forced herself to look at him again.

He smiled quietly, but offered no words of anger or of comfort. She would have been happy to get any sort of reaction out of him, if she were completely honest with herself. Anything would be an improvement from the dull, empty existence they have all been living since Miranda, and the loss the crew endured.

With the rest of the crew appearing as ghosts, shifting about the ship only for things of utmost importance, like eating and completing their assigned duties on the ship and for heists, it was easy to forget there were other people aboard Serenity. It was rare that more than a few of them were in the same room at the same time, except for meals which were eaten in stony silence.

Inara took the quiet this night to be a good thing. She wasn't willing for any more company than Mal. And even spending time here, with him not talking, was almost too much. What was she to say or do? How was she to act? She had no answers.

So, when he smiled at her, she did the only thing that she could think of. She smiled back. It was a small smile, and without much joy in it at all. There was a time for joy, and Serenity and her crew were as far from it as could be. But it was a start. It made her hope that one day soon, they would all find a reason to smile again.

She reached across the table and took Mal's hand in hers, rubbing her thumb gently over the back of his hand. And then she let go, retrieved her mug of tea and took it to the sink to wash. The moment over - or so she thought - she began to wash the dishes that the rest of the crew had let pile up; it was high time they do something about the mess.

Gentle footsteps and the musty, dirty scent of Mal were almost unnoticeable until he was right beside her. This time, he reached for her hands, and stilled her motions. The wet cloth in her hand slid from her grip and splashed back into the water. Mal guided her hands until she lowered the plate she'd been working on, and then he turned her to him.

He said nothing, but he didn't need to.

She could see the unshed tears in his eyes and the way his shoulders hunched. She could see how much pain he was in. And so, she was obliging when he pulled her into his arms and hugged her. He didn't let go for almost a minute, and then, when they pulled apart, he gave her another smile. This one seemed brighter, more genuine.

In the sink behind them, the few bubbles burbled. Serenity hummed along to an unheard song.

Mal ducked his head and left Inara to the dishes, the memory of his vulnerable moment fresh in her mind to ponder.

_fin._


	44. Mortally Wounded

_**Mortally Wounded**_

This wasn't how she thought she'd go. It was so far from it in fact that she was afraid to believe it real. Lying here, in the dirt, crimson staining her sky blue satiny dress, she was certain that for some reason she and Mal had swapped bodies… only then, there was the dress, and when she glanced down it was most definitely her own body. No, this was her, all her, and she was dying.

A moment later, footsteps alerted her to another presence. She saw Mal's boots and then he kneeled beside her and she saw his face peering down at her, his eyes liquid blue. He was the one who should be in her place. She could tell he was thinking it too. There had not been this much emotion in his features before. Nandi's death had brought up something similar, but it was only a shadow of what she was seeing in him now.

"Why did you do that?" It was sharp. Bitter words. An accusation.

She blinked.

"Why did you jump in front of me? It should've hit me, Inara. Me." He prodded himself in the chest with the index finger of one hand. The anger quickly dissipated; his eyes filled with water and he swallowed, hard, as she watched.

"Everything is so blurry," she managed to tell him. The idea of fighting with Mal, now of all times, was tiresome and wasteful. They had spent so much time dancing around one another when everything was okay, and now things weren't. Nothing would be okay after this.

Mal clenched his jaw and gingerly reached a hand out to trail his fingers along her cheek. He said nothing for a few seconds, but blinked and a tear was released; it ran down his face, along his nose, dripping off the end and onto her cheek. He wiped it off with his thumb. "No, now that's quitter talk, that is. You're still paid up til the end of the month for your shuttle, too. Got to hang around at least that long, yeah?"

"Mal?" she said weakly.

"Inara?"

"Behind you," she whispered, and she felt her eyes close and darkness play at her vision as Mal spun around and shot the guy who had killed her and who was about to kill him. When Mal turned back, she was gone.

_Fin._


	45. Truly Happy

_**Truly Happy**_

It's been a long while since he's been happy. Truly happy. Come to think of it, he can't place a finger on when he was last happy or why.

It's not that he's a negative-minded person. Well, okay. He is a bit. But out in the 'verse there's a good amount of reasoning to be realistic-like. Things go awry. It's a fact of life. Don't mean he's a negative person per say. Not really. Ask anyone. You gotta be smart and know there's evil in the 'verse to to be able to survive.

In any case, happiness is not a thing been in his life much in the past while. He's had his share of cheerfulness and good days, but nothing that's lifted his spirits and made him feel like he was flying on the inside, like Kaylee must feel on a daily basis to be so damn cheerful. Not til now, anyway.

His lips curve up softly of their own accord and soon he's grinning one of those out of control grins. He even raises a fist to knock on Inara's door as he enters.

She looks up at him in surprise. "Mal! You knocked. I'm in shock. We'll have to work on the entering before you get an invite inside though."

"You settled back in yet?" he asks, ignoring her teasing.

"Nearly." They both take a moment to look around her newly furnished shuttle.

"It looks good," he says.

Inara smiles. "Thank you. Kaylee was sweet and gave me a hand." She gestures at him. "So, what's with you? You're grinning a lot today. Is there something going on I should know about?"

He smirks. "Nope, not a thing." He starts toward the door. There's a glint in his eyes as he gives her a quick nod. "Welcome home, Inara."

_fin._


	46. Accidents Don't Just Happen

_**Accidents Don't Just Happen**_

Not everything is easy. Inara reminds herself of this as she packs her belongings into packing crates. She runs her fingers along a china doll that one of her clients gifted her with, a faint smile on her lips, and then carefully wraps it up and positions it securely in the nearest crate. Half full, it contains similar items and lengths of silk that are providing the items with padding to keep them safe.

The next thing she reaches for is a capture, lying upside down on the dresser. She frowns and wipes some grease off it. The capture, she can tell, is the one Kaylee had chased the crew around to put together a few weeks earlier, after Inara's announcement to the crew that she was leaving. Then, it had been a cute idea, a cute gift for her to bring with her so she wouldn't forget.

Now, she wonders if she should leave it behind "by accident". Reminders of the life she is leaving behind will only cause her pain. Some things are best left in the past. Avoiding that pain, she knows, is key, and she can only do it by leaving all reminders behind on the ship. She packs it in with a box of odd bits she won't miss, and puts it to the side so she will remember which of the crates to leave behind.

It would be best not to have anything around that might tempt her to return.

_Fin._


	47. Fixing the Captain

_**Fixing the Captain**_

Mal was pissed off - and that was putting it lightly. Kaylee couldn't recall a time when he had been in such a foul mood. It was long ago, whenever it had been.

Kaylee couldn't say with certainty what his deal was, but she had mentioned to Simon a theory she had. It was Inara's fault. Well. Not her fault, per say. The Companion had not done anything intentionally to turn the captain sour, but it was almost definitely because of her that the captain was like he was.

Inara's leaving had impacted on all of them. Mal had denied it, but Kaylee could tell from his body language and avoidance that it was a lie. He missed her. He missed her enough that he was acting like a hwoon dahn to the crew.

That was her theory, anyway.

Unless Inara was to return -a nd soon - Kaylee was sure of one thing. Mal would continue to beat down the crew with his glares and words (and occasionally with his lack of words, too). He'd chase them off one by one without Inara there to stop him and make him see sense.

Inara's fault or not, she was the only one who had a chance at fixing the captain.

_fin._


	48. No Reason, No Answers

_**No Reason, No Answers**_

The question remains: should she stay or should she go? It is not the first time she has wondered, nor will it be the last. In fact, she's certain she'll never truly leave the question behind her until she has found her answer. Stay or go?

If it were up to Mal, he'd probably have her leave. He would claim it would be safer for her, for him, for all of them. But he would only mean the first part, that it would be safer for her. He only throws in mentions of his and the crew's safety to hide his concern for her.

She's a Companion; she knows how to read people, and while Mal is often hard to read, in this instance he is not.

She wonders. Stay? Go? Which of the options will be, in the long run, easier on her? Which will she most regret? What makes most sense?

She weighs pros and cons and comes up with an even balance.

Pros. Her fellow crew - her family now. Freedom. Serenity. Having her own space, her own shuttle, her own slice of the universe.

Cons. Her crew. The connections she has made. Being too free and losing what structure she once had in her life. Living somewhere that most would call gos'se.

And then there is Mal. He, himself, is a contradiction. He makes her want to stay and at the same time, he is the biggest reason she wants to leave. What is she to do about him? What can she do?

Their relationship is rocky at best, and a downed ship at worst. There is little she can think of that would fix things between them. That makes leaving a probably safer option. However, is it really smart to leave her problems behind her, without a fix? Is it a good idea to leave things unresolved?

Probably not.

She should probably stay.

But - and she wouldn't admit this if it didn't have such a great impact on her - her feelings for Mal hurt her. She wants him. She is certain he wants her. But neither of them can do anything about it. And spending every day, on the same ship, with him just out of reach, is like watching someone eating when you're starving.

She smiles to herself, though there is no humour or amusement in her eyes. The smile is a vice, a tool that will help her stay positive through this. If she smiles, she feels calmer. It's her training kicking in. If she smiles, it won't hurt so much when she tells Mal what she has decided.

And she just knows that Mal will take it badly. He'll be sad. She will see all of his pain - she can't not - and she will feel the same pain, his and hers, and she will ignore it. She will push it to the back of her mind and leave it there to stay.

For, though the pros and cons are balanced, it has occurred to her: she has thought it a good idea to consider leaving. Why would she think about leaving Serenity if she wasn't already set on doing so? Why would she put herself through the misery she's going through now?

There is no reason. No answers.

There is only how she feels and what she has assessed from their situation. And it all adds up to her leaving, especially after all that Nandi said. Nandi and her girls were a family. They were tied together. When you form bonds such as those, you get tied down and can't break away. And you never want to.

She feels like she's got ropes biting into her skin. They sting and make her skin ache. But the ropes binding her are still loose enough that if she wants, she can slip right out. And when she thinks back, the reason she joined Serenity in the first place was because she felt like she was being smothered, like she was starting to belong in a place where she never should.

It was wrong. And this, now, is wrong, too. She can't lead on her friends and have them think she is a part of their crew. She isn't. She never will be, not really. And so, she has to leave.

All of the things holding her back are reasons for her to go. All of the reasons she should go are the things holding her back. It's a vicious cycle and one she must break.

It will be better for everyone involved.

The question sticks in her head for a while longer: should she stay or go?

But this time, the answer comes to her faster, easier.

Yes. Yes, her time on Serenity is over.

_fin._


	49. Bound to Happen

_**Bound to Happen**_

"Who _are _these people?" Wash asks. His tone is light and joking; he glances at Kaylee once he has said it and winks. "Because I could have sworn the cap'n was a cranky ol' man last we met."

Mal seems unruffled by the teasing. He continues to grin, and if anything, tightens the grip he has on Inara's hand - just for a second or two. Next to him, Inara flushes red.

Wash runs his tongue over his lips. Then, "What do you think, Kaylee?"

Kaylee beams at him. "S'about time you two got together. All that tension was makin' me antsy, you know?"

"Well, uh," Inara begins. "It was-"

"Was bound to happen eventually," Mal interjects.

"If we didn't kill each other first," Inara agrees. To Wash, she says, "Yes, I knew you were going to say that."

"I can't wait to tell the others! How'd it happen? Did Mal do something romantic? Tell me everything. Every detail." Kaylee grips Inara by her free hand and pulls her away, bombarding her with more and more questions.

Mal watches after them. He jolts back to reality when Wash chuckles.

"You kids. Finally gettin' it together. You treat her right, okay?"

Mal considers responding with sarcasm, but changes his mind at the last moment. He smiles. There's a sparkle in his eyes. "Always."

_fin._


	50. Taken to the Sky

_**Taken to the Sky**_

He sometimes tries to remember the days before they lost Wash and Book, but he always ends up recalling the events of Miranda instead. The reason they were there in the first place: outrunning the Operative that was sent after River and Simon, had evolved into a rise against the Alliance. A mission that none of them should have survived.

Alas, most of them had. Those left had taken to the sky the moment Serenity could handle the black again, after they passed through the eye of the storm and survived.

And now, whenever his mind is left to itself - and sometimes when it's not - it returns to those times. He remembers Book's last words and the crimson on the side of his face. He remembers the shattering of glass and Wash's words being cut off as the wooden stake pierced him through. He recalls Zoe's anguish, her desire for revenge, and the way she lost her will to live when it was all over.

He remembers his own pain, his own tears, shed in secret in the spare shuttle in the midst of their battle preparations. He remembers how he wanted to go to Inara, to seek comfort and give her comfort, but how he instead swallowed down the feelings, and pushed on. He led them to their deaths. He led them to battle with the Alliance.

And now, because of it, because of him, they have all lost so much.

He remembers it all and the happy moments before all this happened are gone. Over. He tries to hold onto those memories too, but they slip away from him. It's easier that way. If he can't remember the good times, the bad don't affect him nearly as much.

At least, that's what he tells himself.

_fin._


	51. Protein Every Colour of the Rainbow

_**Protein Every Colour of the Rainbow**_

"Protein every colour of the rainbow," Mal had said. She'd been sure he couldn't be serious, and that the crew ate more variety of food than the different coloured protein he implied they ate. However, after some time on the ship, she wasn't so sure. They did eat an awful lot of protein, and so far, they only non-protein meals she could recall were twice when Kaylee treated them with her cut.

What Mal told her was accurate. it was rare in a life like this, to get much variation in anything. Protein was sought after by many out on the rim, like it was some kind of luxury. To them, perhaps it was. This world was nothing like the one she grew up, though. It both scared and thrilled her.

Despite the lack of changes in diet, life on Serenity was simple, easy. After a lifetime of never truly being herself, it was nice here. Here she could be whoever she wanted. Here, there were no complications. Eating nothing but protein wasn't ideal, but it was a sacrifice she was willing to make for the freedom Serenity offered her.

_fin._


	52. Blue Eyes, Brown Hair

_**Blue Eyes, Brown Hair**_

She chooses clients that remind her of him. Blue eyes or brown hair. Sometimes both. It was awhile before she caught onto her own habit, and then she found she didn't care to change it. She didn't know how to change it.

If she couldn't have him, she would have them instead. It was a poor substitute, but it was all she had, lest she confess to Mal that she would love to try something with him, to be with him. She couldn't do that. Not ever. No matter how she felt about him, she couldn't change her own future.

She couldn't change the fact she was dying.

It wouldn't be fair to him.

So, she chooses clients that resemble him - in looks, in personality, in any way possible. She hopes one day it will be enough, that one day it will satisfy her. (She knows it never will.)

_fin_


	53. Handle

_**Handle**_

Some doors open. Others close. That's where the saying ends, right?

Well, it's a stupid saying. It's wrong.

The thing about doors is if you really want to, you can turn around and open them right back up again. There's a door I'm tempted to do just that with.

It's a door that's been banging open and shut for a long while now, a door that's never quite been open and only recently clicked shut. It was shut because _she left_ and because _I didn't stop her_. It was shut because of our mutual neglect, our mutual unspoken decision to leave things be. At least, for now.

That time is over. It's in the past.

I reach for the handle, twist it, and slide it open.

There's a click, and a creak, and there she is.

Waiting.

Her own hand raised and ready to knock. Hesitation in her eyes. Nervousness.

When I open the door, that all fades slowly from her.

She smiles. And that's when I know that it is our time.

Our door is finally open and inviting us both in.

_fin._


	54. Home Without You

_**Home Without You**_

The cargo bay ramp is nearly done closing up when he sees her. She's carrying a bag, and looks frantic, something that confuses him instantly. Inara is never frantic. She is always calm, in control. Even when Miranda... Even then, she was able to keep a calm facade. Or at least, she managed to hide some of her fear.

Now, there is pure panic in her features. He swallows, wondering. The doors close.

Then, he hits the button to get the doors going down again. "Hold it, River," he tells the ship's pilot. He needn't bother. River probably knew Inara was there before he saw her. Force of habit.

He waits and watches as the door reveals, bit by bit, pieces of sky and mountains and finally, Inara. She's on the ground now, on her knees, leaning on her bag as if for support. He hurries out. "Inara?"

She looks up. "I thought I missed you," she says.

"Nearabouts," he agrees. "Was there something else? Did you forget something?"

She watches him in silence, and he regrets the harsh tone to his voice. In all honesty, he's happy to see her again. He hadn't expected to see her again in a very long time. This was supposed to be goodbye.

"I... couldn't," she manages to say.

Now he's curious. What has Inara so unlike herself? "Couldn't what?"

She looks like she's about to cry. He swallows, uncomfortably.

"Leave. Not again."

He stares at her, and she seems to deflate under his gaze, like she's expecting a fight. Instead, he leans down, helps her up and takes her bag. "Good thing I saw you then. Let's get you back to the ship, yeah?"

She nods.

"Can I tell you somethin'?" he asks, when they're inside and he's set her bag down just inside her shuttle.

"Of course."

He gives her an apologetic half-smile and shrugs. "She's not home without you."

"Mal-"

"I should never have let you go. I'm glad you're... uh, you know."

She turns from him, hiding her face, though he catches a hint of a smile before she does so. "I never should have left."

_fin._


	55. For a Change

**_For a Change_**

Don't follow blindly. Follow because this is where you want to be and because this is what you understand, where you belong.

It's not easy, Inara. Sure as hell ain't. But that's what it has come down to. I don't want you here unless you wanna be here. Lately, I've seen fair compellin' evidence you'd rather be elsewhere. That the case? Then, go. Go now and live the live you want. Let me move on.

Or stay and let's give it a go. We owe it to ourselves to try, right? After what happened to Wash, you gotta see that. Life's too short for ifs and maybes.

Choose one. Stay. Or go.

And then maybe we'll get some forward motion here for a change.

_Fin._


End file.
